| IGOR BISCAN'S "IT'S IN YOUR STARS" | |
Hi, I’m Igor Biscan. Today you will read this horoscope. You see! I’m right already and I haven’t even started yet. That’s why, across the entire Croation midfield, when it comes to astrologising, I’m the Daddy. Here’s what’s going to happen next week; For 28 COSTUMES - with Saturn thrusting into the joyous, welcoming flaps of Uranus, it's a mixed bag for the band this week. One will become bewildered (peaking around Tuesday), one will be driven into a rage by a motorway service station, and two will dream of talking dolphins, who are made half out of dolphin and half out of duffle coats. They will all get drunk. They will all masturbate. Also, what's this I see before me? Hazy, hazy, clear....clearer...ooooh I see The 28 Costumes making a pop show for the lovely people on the 22nd day of December at....where?..there!...where, on the stair?..there on the stair, right there!! a little mouse with clogs on, well I declare!! A pop show in a windmill in old Amsterdam!!! I mean Brixton.
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| ARIES | |
This weekend’s lunar eclipse takes place across your financial axis. You haven’t done this before have you? Don’t be surprised if you become obsessed by a money matter. Go on, don’t be scared. Not a good week for speculative investments.. Go on, rub it. Instead concentrate on financial prudence. That’s it, rub it. At work it’s better to get into the team spirit rather than push your own agenda. FASTER! Birth cutlery – Whisk |
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| TAURUS | |
Having assertive Mars in your sign this week will help your concentration but things become somewhat confused on Wednesday when Mercury enters the seventh house, crosses the cusp and exits, preening itself like a peacock before pretending that it’s Sparatcus and leading all the other planets in some kind of crazy, pointless rebellion. Against what!? Birth cutlery- Spatula |
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| GEMINI | |
On the 21st in a curious alignment, you and Virgo, Libra and Spanky will all move into the same house. And live together, just like in The Monkees. In episode one you have to look after your neighbour’s badger and murder it, by accident, before trying to pass off a skunk as a replacement. With hilarious results. Career wise, bide your time before making any rash decisions. Birth cutlery- Cheese Grater |
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| SAGISLARTIBARTFAST | |
| The Cosmos. The universe is said to contain some 100 thousand million galaxies. Each of those galaxies in turn, contain some 100 thousand million stars. Stand on a beach and consider the number of grains of sound there. Now think of how many grains of sand there are on all the beaches and deserts of the world. There are more stars. Unfortunately the combined cosmic force of each and every one of them bear down on you this week meaning only one thing; you will be caught having a wank on t’internet. You won’t know who’s more embarrassed, you or the manager of the Easy Internet Café.
Birth cutlery- Spoon with holes in |
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| SPANKY | |
“Bargain Booze – making life richer for the pourer” – a wise man once said. But with pesky Neptune entering your well dressed Virgoan house, it’s deeds, not words, that are needed this week. To escape your need for filth, you will visit a meadow and become overwhelmed by the intrinsic beauty of nature. You will meditate. Wee, tiny woodland creatures will fear you not, for they fear not the meadow. And you have become the meadow. At days end, as the dell is basked in a magical twilight you will ruin it all by furiously fingering a dormouse whilst shouting “yeah, that’s how you like it, isn’t it, you dirty bitch!” You disgust us all. Birth cutlery- Fish Knife |
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| VIRGO | |
The Grand Trine between Saturn in your sign, the Scorpio sun and hirsute Mars in Pisces could lead to feelings of remorse when you pass newsagents. Also, because your Mercury ruler is not one of the six planets that make up the Sextile, then as sure as nuns living in the same nunnery end up in synchronised menstruation, you will still be a virgin at the end of the month. Stuffing a toothbrush up your arse whilst rubbing your cock/minge with underwear pages ripped from Freeman’s catalogue doesn’t count. Birth cutlery- Rubbishy Bottle Opener (without the levers) |
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| BADGER | |
The influence of the six-pointed star, the Seal of Solomon, consisting of two grand trines- one in water signs, the other in earth, will be somewhat usurped by the arrival of the Jovian giant on the 20th . Entering your sixth house like a drunken uncle at a wedding, Jupiter will make inappropriate advances toward Venus before starting a fight with Saturn and Mars in the toilet. You will become scared of irons. Birth cutlery- Cutlass |
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| PIE | |
Like the ocean, watery pies are ruled by Luna’s magnetic force. Because the full moon this week is in Taurus, the sign in which Luna is exalted, now is the time to tone down your natural overconfidence. In the search for romance, perhaps you could replace your usual introductions such as “Hi, I bet your gusset felt like Niagara Falls as soon as you saw me” with something less strident. Birth cutlery- Cuttle Fish |
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| LIBRA | |
A rewarding relationship between the sun, Mars and Saturn could give you the impetus to stop living in the past and look to the future. No more wasted days wondering whether Spanish people with lisps can tell, instead concentrate on matters close to home. On the 20th man made fibres could make you feel poignant, as if you’d had a glimpsed memory of the “Daddy, my Daddy!” scene in The Railway Children. Birth cutlery |
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| AQUARIUM | |
Hold on a minute, I’m just finishing reading my Ruth Rendell book…… ”………when they smashed down the door what they found astounded them. There was no sign of a break in, all the windows were locked from the inside, no evidence at all of any intruder or disturbance. Just an eerie silence. They entered the kitchen. Neither spoke. There was an icy chill in the air, their quickening breath filled the room like cold steam, their eyes drawn to the sight before them. Every single cupboard in the kitchen was wide open. They were bereft of pots and pans and foodstuff and normal kitchen clutter. Instead, in each one, meticulously packed so they filled every nook and cranny was row upon row of tins of mushy peas. They found him in the living room. Sat bolt upright in his armchair, eyes wide open, a look of frozen terror etched onto his lifeless face. And there, perched perfectly on the top of his head; an opened, half-empty tin of mushy peas..” Blimey. Anyway, this week you will have lots of spasms. Birth cutlery- Tin Opener |
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| PISCES | |
While rampant Neptune plunders the pants of Mercury, Pluto will move unnoticed into Capricorn, becoming coy, then shy and finally withdrawn. Like a rabbit with Aspergers. You will build it a hutch. A Capricorn-Pluto hutch. By the light of the silvery moon. In financial matters, do not play poker with anyone whose first name is the same as a city. Birth cutlery- Wooden Chippy Fork |
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| Why not read Igor's stars for last month, to see if they came true? |